Too lazy to really write in a Journal
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Well, now everyone can see that I have a terrible time sticking to one thing. I get so interested in something and the next thing I know, I don't care anymore. Really ridiculous. And I'm a horrifying procrastinator. So what's new on the hope front? Ummm...I just finished my 3rd semester at the college, my mom died August 29, 2004, Lebo and Tasha got married, I met a new guy, AJ who turned out to be guess what? A jerk. Very selfish. And my Sunshine back home got arrested again, so now he's in lock down. I sure do pick winners. As far as jobs go, since I'm home for a month I'm back at Tony's. I really love it there, the smell of pizza, oregano, working with my best friend, and a kick ass boss. What more could a girl want? I did some really cool modeling jobs back at the college this semester...nakey. Actually, I like to call it nude. Sounds less perverted. Things have been pretty stressful this year. I'm really glad that 2004 is almost over. My birthday is in 8 days. Current songs that I am in love with "My Boo" by Usher and Alicia Keys, "Bang Bang Bang" by the Schifty Five guys and "Du Hast Mich" which is kinda scary, but whatever. So that's that...I really am going to try to keep up with this bit.
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
I'm going to put in this journal the Valentine Card I got from my parents. It was really sweet, and it made me cry.
For My Daughter
How did you ever change from a cute little girl into such a lovely woman?
To you, it was probably just a matter of growing up.
But, to me, it meant watching you mature and develop wonderful qualities of kindness, thoughfulness, and love...
It was seeing the changes in the ways you needed me as you went throuhg all your growing- up stages.
It was sharing your excitement as you tried new ventures.
It was watching you succeed at the things you worked so hard for...
And now of all the thoughts and emotions a parent experiences I'm most aware of the special pride I say, "This is our daughter."
Now tell me, you don't get a tear in your eye when reading that.
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
I did as my therapist asked me and I wrote Tasha and Lebo letters. Lebo's is really short. Tasha's is really long. I can't believe I can be so cruel. It's not in me. And it's very strange to be so calculating and cold to anyone. I just don't like being rude without reason. Okay, so I do have a reason. An excellent reason if you will. To Lebo, I feel like saying "hello there, the angel of my nightmares" BC he plagues my dreams and turns them to nightmares. And Tasha just makes me want to hurl. Blow chunks. My elbows are ashy and I think I need to go study for biology. I'm about to ask Alexis for help. I had an epiphany. I was quoting Kenny Chesney's "Someday I might get over you" and I realized that I will get over him. I can't spend my entire life hating him or her or myself. I can't wait for him, he sure didn't wait on me. And I don't want to waste my time hurting so much. Life is too short. That's what mama says. And she's right. That hurts the most. I don't want my mama to die. I don't want her to go. I wish God would take the cancer from her. Why does she have to be so sick? Why does it have to be too late. I don't want to lose my mama.
Currently in love with "one call away" by Chingy. Is that sad? That I'm completely trippin' on a rap song, esp. one that has the words "see through thong" in it. But it's really just the last verse I think that has me. and that cute hook.
One Call Away
[J/Weav]
Ooh, yea yea
DTP, how we do
Call you and you can call me
Whatever you wanna do baby
[Chorus: J/Weav & (Chingy) 4x]
(You, could, roll, wit, me)
You call if you wanna bump over me
(If you was my baby)
I'm only one call away
[Chingy]
It was weird how we met, huh
She was wit her mom in Bank America
I'm wit my son cashin the check
So I asked outta respect (uh)
Would she like to explore the world or buy
We can fly in my jet
Her reply was "Yes, can I ask you sumpin?"
I seen it in her eye, mama lookin like all I wanted was sex
Scene moved to the next (that is true) but it was something
about this girl's style that make me feel no regrets
We started off casual; walks through the park
Candle light dinners by dark, I'm thinkin smart (smart)
Of course she might think I'm in a rush
To touch, clutch and be up, but baby I ain't on that stuff
Dropped her off and told her call me up, we can talk
Conversate about political subjects whatever's thought
So I zoomed off, lookin by and my phone rang
It was her in the shower, (she said) she said "I couldn't do without ya"
Then I said. . .
[Chorus: J/Weav & (Chingy) 4x]
(You, could, roll, wit, me)
You call if you wanna bump over me
(If you was my baby)
I'm only one call away
[Chingy]
The next day I'm with the fellas at the case playin ball
Here she comes wit her friends they posted up on the wall
Now I'm showin off, trynta dunk trynta dribble break fast
Through the middle just to see her smile and giggle
Game over I punched her wit a kiss on the cheek
The homeboys lookin at me sayin "Lil Howard you weak"
But you know how that go, what I got they want
What I got I flaunt, never mess wit it, PLEASE don't
Told her "I'm going home" she asked can she go too
I'm like "Yeah boo, I can't see me without you"
Got thurr, I took a shower jumped out she in the bed
With a see-through thong said I looked at her and said. . .
[Chorus: J/Weav & (Chingy) 4x]
(You, could, call, me)
You call if you wanna bump over me
(If you was my baby)
I'm always one call away
[Chingy]
Girl recognize game, before game recognize YOU
You're dealin wit a player, TRUE
Now whatchu wanna do?
We can kick it and go puff on a bluuunt
Oh you don't smoke? Grab a pint of Hen' then we can get druuunk
It's up to you, I'm the man but baby just let me know
Cuz if you got an attitude I could treat you just like a hoe
Get to rollin wit me baby, hop in there's enough room
We can gaze at the stars that shine like the moon
Gimme a chance to show ya, and a chance to know ya
Just be true, and there's nothing I won't do, for ya
Some women like to play it foul (foul)
But them the kind I put in the place of a child (child)
Don't worry be happy and smile and. . .
[Chorus: J/Weav & (Chingy) 4x]
(You, could, roll, wit, me)
You call if you wanna bump over me
(If you was my baby)
I'm only one call away
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Well, I've changed my mind. That fucking bastard cheated on me. With my sister. And that hurts. That hurts really badly. I thought about dying, about how much easier it would be to be dead than have to face that and my mom dying. Because that's what is happening. She is dying. 6 months to a year left. And I don't understand why this is happening to her. I don't know why it's my mom. I'd rather it be me than her. I don't know. I don't understand a lot. I don't understand how he can give me a ring and then do that to me. I dont' understand how my sister can turn her back on me like that and I don't get why God wants to take my mama from me. And I feel guilty because maybe it's me. maybe i've been such a bad Christian and fallen back so far that God has to punish me. And taking my mom is the way to do it. I'm falling. But I don't want to stop. I just want IT to stop. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to fall asleep with my pillow soaking wet, and I don't want to dream anymore about being with Lebo. But I don't know how to fix this. "There's only one place to go when you're on your back: and that's up"
Wrong. You could go six feet under bitch.
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
I have finally talked to my parents. They aren't really mad at me. They are a little upset. They think that I am not going to experience college fully if I'm tied to a relationship. They are being reasonable. I mean, I understand and all, but still. I haven't changed my mind.
Friday, February 20, 2004
Well, I'm trying to decide what I want to do about college and graduation. I have 27 hours currently. At the end of this year I will have 43. I am already a sophmore, by coming into college with 15 hours. So that was good. Now by the beginning of Fall 2004 classes, I will need 77 hours to graduate. The question is, do I bust my ass during the summer working and taking extra courses at York Tech? I could end up graduating in 2006 if I did that. Or what if I only took a few extra courses and graduated in December 2006 instead of Spring. I mean, graduating early is cool and all, but I really want to do the whole white dress, roses, walk across the Cistern in May thing. If I graduate early in Dec. 06, I could presumbably get married in Spring 2007. However, if I stay in school I could graduate in May 2007, then get married in summer 2007. Or late spring. Hmmm...the possibilities are endless. Maybe that is the best idea. I'll be 22 in spring 2007, and we'll have been engaged for 3 years, 6 months. Damn, that's a long ass time. i'll have to rethink this. Good thing I like thinking about numbers, eh?
Thursday, February 19, 2004
I still haven't talked to my parents since Lebo and Tasha came last weekend. They are still mad or whatever. I tried to email my dad back after he sends me this email that says "Do you still love us, we just wondered since everyone in the neighbor hood hears from you except us."
How messed up is that, if they really wanna talk to me they can talk to me. They can call me, too. The phone works both ways. Either way. They have been calling Lebo trash, and worthless and saying he's not good enough and that our family has a reputation to uphold. A reputation for what? For being cold and callous? Is that what they really want. It's not very Christian of them to be that way. So I emailed them back and told them that of course I still love them, I just don't understand why they have to be so awful to Lebo. He has done nothing wrong. All he has done is care about me. He wants what is best for me, just like they have. Is it just because he didn't finish high school? That he works for my dad and therefore doesn't have the initiative to have a real career? I would think my dad would be happy that Lebo is trying to do better. Nobody wants to work with their fiancee's dad. Who wants their future father in law to be their boss? I mean, honestly. Then, my dad asked Lebo if he was scared of him. Lebo answered No, he's not scared of my dad. I don't know if that was wise. My dad is used to being the authority figure. I don't know what to do anymore. Lebo almost broke things off because of my parents. That scared the shit out of me. I mean, honestly, they scare him that much? That sucks. No grandbabies for them! Not that I wanted to throw out any kids anytime soon. I dont' know anymore. I just am so annoyed and frustrated with everything lately. But if I wasn't with Lebo, where would I be? Alone again, and still missing him. He's the only guy I've ever truly wanted to be with. The only one that I kept coming back to, even after all the bullshit. So what's a girl to do? Cry? Nope, I'm tired of that shit, it doesn't help and only makes me look bad. So...I just found out that the house I wanted to stay in is gone!! I guess I'll be down at Bull Street or something. I don't know. I'll have to take my paper. That's all for now. I am in need of a destresser.Like a bubble bath or something.
